I feel that I do not get enough credit when grocery shopping.

That? That my friends is a weight-sensitive surface. And, balanced rather skillfully on said surface? I am glad that you asked.

• 2 boxes of rotini pasta
• 2 bag of chips
• 4 canisters of peanuts
• 2 boxes of granola bars
• 2 massive jugs of cranberry juice
• 2 20-lb boxes of cat litter
• 2 boxes of apple cider pouches
• 2 boxes of blueberry muffin mix
• 2 boxes of cranberry orange muffin mix
• 2 boxes of brownie mix
• 4 cans of bean and ham soup
• 2 cans of pub soup
• 1 18-roll bale of toilet paper
• 1 canister of yogurt
• 2 blocks of cheese
• 1 8-pack of yogurt
• 2 tv dinners

It is a sickness I have. In college, I would go around with a basket and keep going after the basket had been filled well over the sides. I would hold gallons of milk between my fingers while just barely managing to hold three pizzas with the same hand.

Yes, sometimes I bow to the pressures of life and use an entire cart. Or, and I know this is crazy in our world, sometimes I go through a normal checkout line and make a human being do all the work. I know! Madness!

Grocery shopping as a kid used to be fun. (All I had to do was pick cereal and not grab too much candy. Simpler times.) Now, the only way to make it interesting is to increase the challenge. Thankfully, grocery stores have come out with half-carts. Those clattering contrivances that are a fraction of the size of a regular cart. Thanks to those, the shopping experience requires more skill and brainpower.

Then the math comes in. More challenge. Have you ever limited yourself to products that are on sale? Not “$.05 off” -sale. Nope. Actually “worth-your-time” -sale.

My goal is to always save 26%. Why? Um… the challenge? Sure. I will go with that answer.

I do not care about food. I eat to survive. Someone, somewhere, decided food was important. I have no evidence to the contrary, so I play along. If I am going to play, I am going to invent the game as I go.

“Only buy discounted food!” Check. “Fill up two grocery carts. Full-size ones!” Check. “Buy as many things that do not belong in a grocery store as possible so that the clerk will silently judge you, as their facial expression turns comical!” Yep. That too.

What about, “Only buy healthy food?” …yeah. Now you ask too much.

(The fresh produce alone would throw off my whole balancing act. How are you supposed to position cucumbers around potato chips?)