If I were a rapper, the odds of which are naught,

I’d make it clear that my verse was not store-bought.

Calling others, “the best,” would be a load of rot,

Especially when they saw just what I had got.

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My cat is always purring

My voice is so alluring.

Diseases I’ll be curing.

I don’t just promise success, I’m ensuring.

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In your ride you put your pedal to the floor?

Well, my car has sped way up to seventy-four.

You’ve got speakers and rims galore?

So what if my stereo is from the days of yore?

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Don’t you know that I’m faster than The Flash?

You’d try to keep up; beg me to rehash.

When it comes to wits, I’ve got quite the stash.

Your attempt at “comebacks” belongs in the trash.

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I’d point out that yo’ momma is older than you,

And your boys don’t form a loyal crew;

They don’t follow you, sucker, they’d rather eschew.

Whereas I’d remain smoother than chocolate fondue.

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A perfect record I would keep

While you’d be losing sleep

You’d go fetal and weep

When you saw the benefits I’d reap.

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You’d be just like a pair of old kicks.

I’d watch as you get the ol’ eighty-six.

You wouldn’t be on anybody’s top picks.

But you’d be out on the curb, taking your licks.

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I wouldn’t need no training,

There would be no straining,

The cash would be raining.

From fools, I’d be abstaining.

Traction I’d be gaining,

As king I’d be reigning.

There’d be no complaining;

Respect, I’d be obtaining

(Which is never draining.)

What I am explaining

And what you’re ascertaining?

My skills would not be waning

For me, there’d be no feigning.

But their ruse?  Well that my friends, they’d have trouble maintaining.

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Yer all up in my grill,

Say I’m way over the hill

But I think you need to chill

’cause I always foot the bill.

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Ya gotta stop yer hating.

I’ll just be here waiting.

For you to stop yer baiting;

It aint’ ingratiating.

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At some point, our conflict, we must ease.

If you’re polite, say your “thanks” and “please,”

You can come over and I’ll make some grilled cheese.

We can be civil over dinner and some DVDs.

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But I’m no rapper, in case you forgot,

I don’t have much rhythm; can’t dance “The Robot.”

Some have laces untied, I prefer to double-knot.

‘cause I’m just a nerdy guy who likes to rhyme a lot.