Blame the Antarcticans

You all have been picking on the wrong people.

We have made our way through the list.  We have been against women getting the vote, against communists, against black people getting fair treatment, against LGBQT+ folks, and we locked up some folks that we should not have in World War II.  And hey, we all need our stereotype groups to gang up against in action movies.  We do not understand them so they must be the enemy. 

Now we are told that we have to consider the feelings of alien invaders as well.  We cannot blow their spaceships into smithereens anymore.  We should instead talk it out with those that have antenna coming out of their foreheads and green skin. 

Somebody has to take the blame, darn it!  It cannot be our fault.  So who is it that is making our life miserable?

I will tell you.  The answer has been under our nose the whole time.  Literally, figuratively, and geographically.

Yes, my brethren, those that do not deserve our respect?  Darn Antarcticans.  (Boy, I wish I swore.)

Even now, my spellcheck is telling me that Antarcticans do not deserve our recognition.  These lowlifes do not even have a proper name.  More than that, they do not have a government!  Their land is ruled by treaty!  Allow me to show you just how vile these people truly are.

First off, they refuse fidelity to their homeland.  They want you to believe that there are no indigenous people living in Antarctica.  Now, the icy terrain of doom is a sometimes-home to tourists and scientists.  Have no hatred for those folks; they are just like us. 

It is the Antarcticans, those that are so ashamed that they cannot even admit that they exist; they are the real enemy.  They are the cause of all things nefarious. 

You want proof?  Okay.  The Ozone Layer.  Yeah, that big hole in the sky.  The gap in our protective buffer from the sun.  Where is it located?  Right above Antarctica.  And how big is it?  About the size of a certain continent.  You know the one.  Antarctica.  Guilty.

Do you know how evil Antarcticans are?  They hate pets.  They want to keep you away from your favorite puppy or kitten.  That is right, non-native animals are not allowed.  Why they got to hate so much?

They loathe fun too.  Want to go fishing?  Maybe in Vostok Lake?  Too bad!  It is stuck under piles of ice.  And if you can get past all that?  Drill through all that ice?  The only life there is microscopic.  How are you supposed to clean and gut a microbe and grill it for you friends?  You think I want to mount a microbe onto a fine piece of stained oak and hang it over my fireplace?  No! 

Of course, you cannot expect Antarcticans to cherish life when they live in a desert.  Some say they get .8 inches of precipitation a year.  Others will go as high as 2 inches a year.  Whatever numbers you like, the Sahara still gets twice as much.  Screw you, Antarcticans!  You skinflints!

Oh, and do not get me started on the cold.  -128 degrees Fahrenheit?  I do not think so!  Winters with no sunlight?  Sunburns while you are freezing to death?  Look, it would be rude to claim that Antarcticans suck.  But I will say that they exert a greater force on the interior of a container than the exterior.  Jerks.

Oh, and Dry Valleys?  Yeah, the driest place on earth.  Those folks have not seen rain in about 2 million years.  Talk about inhospitable.  I would offer you a glass of water.  What is your deal, Antarcticans?  They must do loads of crunches, because they are putting the ab in abnormal.

Maybe that is why we work so hard to ignore them.  They deserve to be eschewed and we all know it.  They have, what, 5,500,000 square miles to share?  They are the fifth largest continent.  But in the winter, they have maybe 1,000 people around.  C’mon, Antarcticans.  My high school was bigger than that.  You are a bunch of losers and we all know it.

Shoot, nobody had even seen their land until 1820.  Not even them.  You know what Antarctica’s name was supposed to be?  Terra Australis.  But people decided that land could not exist further south than Australia.  Australia got a respectable name, as well they should.  (Australia is great.  Kangaroos, platypuses, and Hugh Jackman.  ‘nuff said.)   

Antarcticans went about eighty years without a proper name for their home.  They were almost called Ultima or Antipodea.  The world was in no hurry.  Eventually, we saddled them with Antarctica.  We will give you vowels, Antarcticans.  But never our respect.

You know what Ernest Shackleton’s great achievement was when he spent three and a half years boating around Antarctica?  That none of his crew died.  That was it.  Just living is considered a success when you deal with those murderous Antarcticans.  Even the fish have anti-freeze proteins in their blood. 

A place is considered nifty if a dinosaur is found there.  You know how many kinds of dinosaurs the Antarcticans have given us?  A pathetic three over their entire landmass.  Lame, Antarcticans.  Do better.

If a human dies in the winter?  Then they are abandoned.  A man died there on May 12, 2000.  It was too cold for planes to fly.  His body stayed there until October.  Wow, Antarcticans.  Way to respect the grieving process.  Try not to be insensitive clods next time.

Do you know how much Antarcticans hate you?  How little regard they have for your schedule?  Are you ready for this?  There is no Antarctic time zone!  If you ask an Antarctican what time it is, they will laugh at you.  You have to decide what time zone you want to set your watch to.  How barbaric can they be? 

They are also against progress.  Antarcticans will not let anyone use their oil or coal reserves until at least 2048.  And there is no military allowed either.  Oh sure, they let scientists on.  They have something like twenty-eight countries running things in seventy or so labs.  Yet we are wise to them.  We all know the Antarcticans are putting on a show. 

“If we let them look at the stars in the sky during our freakishly dark winters, the world will like us!”  No Antarcticans.  We will not. 

Here is what a psychologist from the University of British Columbia said about Antarctica.

“Because of the environment, people do get irritable, sensitive, maybe quicker to take offense at something that wasn’t meant to be offensive.

I think it’s fascinating that there hasn’t been more violence in Antarctica.”

In yer face, Antarcticans! 

“We are not so bad!  Come see our active volcanoes!”  Yeah, one of which is under the surface?  Pass. 

“But, but… we have a canyon that runs for 62 miles and is 1.5 times deeper than the Grand Canyon!  You should come explore!”  So… what you are saying is that life there really is the pits?

Less than a dozen people have been recorded as born on Antarctica.  (No one before the twentieth century.)  The climate is designed to kill.  However, if that does not scare you away?  If you are still not convinced that these lowdown, no good, bottom of the deck dealing, spit in your face, rooting to see your destruction, dirtbags are worthy of your derision and contempt?

Then know this.  As of 2015, there were two ATMs on Antarctica.  Two.  And God help you if one of them breaks during tourist season.

The simple truth is that mingling with Antarcticans should leave you cold.  I would say they provide a chilly reception, but they offer no welcome at all.  They pretend that there are no native Antarcticans.  That I am making up a group of people to point fingers at so we can all have a focal point for our frustrations.

What, they think we should stop looking for people to blame?  That we should accept that people come from different backgrounds and varied experiences?  They expect us to get along with everyone no matter what and extend love to all?

Pfft.  Those Antarcticans.  Always talking crazy.

About Cosand

He's a simple enough fellow. He likes movies, comics, radio shows from the 40's, and books. He likes to write and wishes his cat wouldn't shed on his laptop.
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1 Response to Blame the Antarcticans

  1. Yup, everything is their fault.

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