If Jesus Wrote Corporate Memos

Corporate speak is silly.  God has a sense of humor.  So what say we combine the two?

(You shouldn’t have to click on all the links.  But if you would like to check my work/ reference the scriptures, they have been provided for you.)


From: Jesus

To: My Followers

Re: Upcoming Structural and Procedural Changes within our Organization

Dear Disciples,

As I sit here, pondering over the challenges that face me, and us, in the days ahead, I feel assured that the Gethsemane Recreational Retreat was a wise idea.  I feel that we are where we are supposed to be.  There is a restful environment about this place.

I am actually a bit concerned that this environment is too restful.  I just went to check on those “standing guard” and found them asleep at their post.  I only left them moments ago, yet I fear that I will find them relaxing when I go and check on them again.  (Reminder:  “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back“)  However, there are more pressing matters to deal with.

First off, let us go through some refreshers.  I feel that, though these practices were implemented long ago, a reminder or two should be offered.  This will allow us to synchronize our priorities and our protocols as we move into the next phase.

—All our welcome.  Any who wish to take part in our activities are encouraged and invited to do so.  They may be foreigners, tax collectors, live in burial caves, lepers, or simply those that are known for living sinful lives.

490px-JesuswithChildren–Childcare is provided.  There was apparently some confusion in this area.  Let me state that children are welcome.  They may approach your supervisor and engage him in conversation.  I understand that you fully embrace your roles as protectors and take that position seriously.  However chasing off children should not be a default response.  We adhere to an open-door policy.

—We do not engage in violence.  We do not cut off body parts.  All agreed to a moral clause when we enrolled.  Should you, as an example, feel the need to cut off someone’s ear?  Expect to be rebuked in showing initiative on such matters.

—No showboatingHumbleness is a trait which will always be pivotal to our organization’s key values.  We should embrace it and focus our collective efforts on servitude, not promotions.

—As was explained during your orientation, we are unable to provide a 401(k), stocks, or anything approaching a sizable financial windfall.  You should have understood that you agreed to work with a very non-profit group.  However, I do believe that you have all been compensated well for you time and efforts, and foresee that any further hardships will be outweighed by the benefits package which has been detailed on numerous occasions.

—In particular, I would like to point out that our retirement plan is the best ever offered.  The perks there are too numerous to detail in this memo.  Rest assured, your needs are seen to (which is true now and in future years).  Also, please remember that a bonus in the form of twelve baskets of fish and bread were offered as a bonus not all that long ago.


The Denial of St. Peter

—Bringing animals/ pets to work is not encouraged.  I love all God’s creations.  However, it has been brought to my attention that one of you suffers emotionally in the proximity of roosters.  With respect to our coworkers’ mental states, we should not exacerbate such conditions.  Also, as has been shown, should a donkey or other mode of transportation be required, one will be provided by the higher-ups.  There is no need to bring your animals to work and seek reimbursement or compensation for mileage.

—I am not entirely opposed to consuming wine while on duty.  You folks are constantly on call, working overtime, or volunteering for special projects in your off-time.  So yes, celebration is allowed.  (Moderation is encouraged and please exercise your best judgment at all times.)

I would like to restate my love and affection for all of you.  We are in hopeful times.  There is much cause for you to rejoice.  And of course, love your God and your neighbors.

We know that industrial espionage can occur, even in the best work environments.  When we do come across such matters, it is best to follow-through on our procedures of forgiveness.

resurrection_of_jesus_4I have constantly been updating you about our progress and the upcoming changes.  Further steps are being taken as we speak.  I trust that you will realign your actions to perpetuate positive outcomes in the following quarter.  Honestly, I have laid out these changes on countless occasions to you guys.  I really need you to increase your willingness to take over some of the roles I have assumed.  This work needs all of you giving your best.  Just because you do not move up a tier, does not mean you are not important to me.  Change is coming.  Step up.

That being said, if anyone has wisdom as to the next few days?  Any sort of divine inspiration?  A gentle breeze?  Fiery bush?  Seriously, any insight from God would be welcome.  I am trying to come to peace with the next big presentation that I have to make.  I am aware that the crowd I am addressing may be hostile.  I fully anticipate harsh criticisms and blowback from the statements I will make.  I am prepared, as the head of this group, to take the brunt of their criticisms.  However, should you have any suggestions on how to differently achieve our end goal; I am quite willing to embrace a different strategy.  Anybody?  Guys?  Come see me if you have a proposal ready.  (Even in rough form.)

Know that you are an integral asset in our organization.  Our continued growth, development, and advancement rest on your enthusiasm and dedication.  If you can coalesce, we will achieve success.  I will always be with you, but I promise, not matter how much I have tried to prepare you; big changes (and surprises) are in store.

Things will be a little chaotic for me the next few business days.  I will be quite busy.  (I may even set an “Out of Office” status.)  However, rest assured that we will continue these conversations in a few days.  I look forward to seeing most of you then.

With love,


About Cosand

He's a simple enough fellow. He likes movies, comics, radio shows from the 40's, and books. He likes to write and wishes his cat wouldn't shed on his laptop.
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