I don’t like being told what to do. Hire me, train, me, then leave me the sam hill alone. Of course, being the human that I am, sometimes I mess up. And in this corporate world, there has to be some sort of paperwork telling you what you did. “Corrective action is being taken in this instance to notify said employee of dereliction to their duties in regards to…”
Blah blah blah. I have never cherished any of the “fix this” paperwork. I say, if you are going to write someone up, at least add a little flair.
And so, in the spirit of helpfulness, I have offered some write-up notifications, specially tailored to ten jobs. We should henceforth strive to be more memorable and jovial in our work-related communications.
(If you have any complaints with the following, please schedule an appointment with Human Resources.)
To the sloppy surgeon
When performing an incision
Please do so with more precision,
Lest those charged with your supervision
Reproach with severe derision.
To the vicious veterinary assistant
I wish that you would take a brief pause
And be kinder with the patient’s paws.
You act as though you are wrestling Jaws
When really, you are just trimming claws.
To the “Me Me Me” model
You are lovely from your head to your toes,
That is a clear fact that everyone knows.
You always smile and find the perfect pose,
But spare us details of your dating woes.
To the dubious detective
Most of us think that you are quite the clever guy,
The finest details, you always seem to espy.
But the chief has seen a dark glimmer in your eye.
That case you’re working; do you have an alibi?
To the kitchen kid
Ya sure do know how to finely dice a cauliflower head
Ya got all the skills when it comes to rolling and kneading bread
And your plates’ presentation looks just great, as we’ve often said
But when asked for baking soda, stop using powder instead.
To the dangerous delivery driver
At first, we couldn’t believe our luck.
You’re quick and eager, you have lots of pluck.
Still, you must be careful driving that truck.
You’ve caused too many wrecks driving amuck.
To the potential pop star
I know the producer picked you from the throng,
He’s been rooting for your “talent” all along.
Let me set the record straight, he was so wrong.
You can’t hum, let alone sing, this simple song.
To the problem-prone plumber
I think it is time that we affirm your fear.
You are not cut out for the job, or the gear,
The sink had a drip, a fix should have been clear.
Now explain to me why it’s flooded in here.
To the aspiring author
I understand you thought you could write a book,
A king of writing? Nope, not even a rook.
I gave it a glimpse, a quick, cursory look;
Your plot is flimsy and your tale has no hook.
To the faulty-fingered felon
We thought youse was the best, all others did pail.
We heard you could crack any safe without fail.
After nine hours of work, to no avail,
We’s all still broke, and now we’s all stuck in jail.
“Youse”. I got to write “Youse”. As good a reason to stop as any.