Let us all pause and give thanks to that most common of all nuisances, the idiot. They have that certain quality about them that makes the rest of us take pause. Are we to pity them? As Mark Lowry as stated, “Bless your heart” can easily be translated into, “You’re an idiot.” Do we laugh at their pathetic state as we go through life with our head held high?

Or do we pass by those fools with a more contemptible state of mind? Are they worth our time as they fumble with the simplest of tasks, making every endeavor more complicated with their efforts, especially their interactions with those of us that clearly know better?

The idiot goes by many names. They are simpletons, morons, buffoons, know-nothings, clods, oafs, numbskulls, or twerps. In the modern day we have sought ways to redefine them; keying specific names to certain traits. The idiot is a double-dipper. They are the green-light-sitter. The slowpoke in the grocery store check-out line. They are the last-second-merger, the reckless-driver, and the person-that-cannot-find-fare on public transportation. They are the commuting-menace. In restaurants they are the takes-forever-to-order chap and the talks-longer-than-our-patience lass.

There is an inherent confusion when discussing idiots. One starts off believing that the knuckle-draggers only make up a small segment of the population. After all, if they are obviously not as quick as the rest of us, then they must make up that small percentage at the beginning of the bell-curve. And yet, if logic dictates that their numbers must be lacking, why do they seem so pervasive in society?

Wherever we look, we see idiots. They are simply everywhere. Why, there is a person talking on their phone during a movie. And next to them, someone is texting. That person three rows behind you? The one just slightly off to the right with the obnoxious t-shirt that you cannot believe they would wear? Why, any fool would know that this nincompoop is chewing their popcorn too loudly. How can you be the only reasonable person in the movie?

Movies are where idiots stand out the most. Take the movie that you saw last month with the terrible acting and the prevalence of special effects over plot. You know confidently that no one could have sunk to the tragic level of enjoying such filth. Only an idiot would like such a stupid movie. Then along comes this person that you had some degree of respect for, only to find out that they, in their newly revealed idiotic manner, not only tolerated, but heartily embraced the cinematic waste of your time.

We should all take a pause here and congratulate ourselves. We are not the part of the problem, but instead we represent the lofty and superior position. It is not our political leanings that are to blame, but those of the unreasonable blockheads against us. Our way is sound, our logic makes sense. If they would only come around to our highly-elevated way of thinking, they would convert to our position and thank us for saving them further shame.

Oh, let us not pretend that we are perfect. Only a fool would do that. But we always had our reasons for the mistakes that we made. It was not that we meant to shoot off that tersely written note to hundreds of our friends; it is that the stress of the day made us hit the wrong icon. Anyone could deduce that. You never meant to cut off that person when changing lanes, it is simply that the darn kids could not wait for their snack; and besides, who paints their car that color of gray? Do they not know that it looks just like your car’s interior and you could not tell the difference between the vehicle you almost merged into and your own? Really, it is the car manufacturers who the idiots here. Also, if the other guy had yielded and let you in like a kind companion of the road, the whole thing would have been avoided. Simplicity at work.

Yes, there was that time you set off the apartment building’s fire alarm. If the other residents worked as hard at their jobs as you do at yours, then they too would have fallen asleep for four hours while the pie slowly burned to smoky charcoal in the oven. You tried to vent the smoke out the windows. Those darned carbon and smoke detectors are simply too sensitive. A design flaw, clearly. The fire department did not really need to come; the landlord should have called them off. Anyone can see that.

No, it is the idiots of the world that are wrecking it for the rest (best) of us. They drive around in their giant cars with flashy colors with their music playing too loud. Perhaps their flawed behaviors would not be so troubling if they were listening to good music, but we all know that they are not. They probably are not smart enough to know that their music is crap. That is why we feel so compelled to inform them of the matter. If they played better music, we would all get along. If they would nicer clothing that suited their looks better, then they would feel better and we could avoid looking at the clutter of fabric that their closet threw up onto them. We never look that foolish.

Mockery is far too easy. We should pity those not blessed with our knowledge. If they do not know how to order a cup of coffee in a confident tone, it is because they are idiots. There are those who cannot walk down a street without stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk. They too, are idiots. Laughing at them would be cruel. Instead we should simply, “Tsk”, shake our head, and go to work knowing that we are better off than them.

They have their burdens, we have ours. They have to go through life knowing that we have it all figured out. They have to wake up and be them. Having them around might make our lives more difficult, but we are civilized enough to rise above. We are left wondering what fool would move the remote control from the perfectly logical place that it was in. The location made the most sense, what idiot messed everything up?

Oh, there it is; in the fridge. Oh yeah. You needed both hands to open the cold drink. Phew. Good thing no one was around or they would have thought you a fool. But we know better, right?