Hug it Out (Weekly Wrting Challenge)

The Weekly Writing Challenge is asking folks to create manifestos. In short, be bossy. I can do that.

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I am a hugger. I always have been and unless someone duct-tapes my arms to my side, I probably always will be. As an added bonus, it turns out that hugs are good for you. Your body wants to be touched. So there!

Personally, I am not so interested in the medical reasons. I like to hug people. I am simple like that. I am a touchy-individual. I realize that not everyone is. And so, some suggestions:

• Start with the side hug. We’re talking arm around the shoulder/ first date approach here. If you touch the person’s shoulder that’s farthest away from you and nothing else, then all should be well. We have established a desire to show affection, without being overly creepy.

See how the other cat wants to hug too? Mutual cuteness!

• If they scoot away from you or do not make any attempt to return the gesture, then you should leave them alone. Go hug someone else.

And here, the other cat just ain’t havin’ it. They’re humoring the other.

• If you have a history of hugging, I say go full-frontal. Belly-button to belly-button. You wrap your arms around their torso, they do the same; it is a big ol’ mess of people that could easily fit into a Snuggie. (This should not be an endorsement to own a Snuggie. Do not get one. No.)

Let’s all take a moment to shudder at this.  The Macarena -and- Snuggies?  Together?  Yeah, I just threw up a little.

• At this point, it has to be said. Guys, watch your hands. Just because your prom date let you get all handsy, does not mean the cute customer you “charmed” for fifty-seven minutes into buying that car wants you groping her. If your hand is touching her bum or encroaching upon her chest-curves (yes, I am referring to side-boob as well), then you do not deserve to be hugged. No. You should be locked up in a little hamster cage and run around on a tiny metal wheel until you are cured of your grabbiness. Then you may play with others again, on a supervised basis.

Try a handshake first.  Handshakes can say a lot.

• I love my friends. I do. But many of them are a foot shorter than me. What do they do? They stand on tippy-toes and try to reach up while I am trying to reach down underneath their armpits and avoiding side-breasts and… ugh. Frustrating; that is what it is. Tall people’s arms go on top. Shorter people’s arms go underneath. Keep it simple. The exception to the above is the lift-hug. Normally reserved for high-school couples, sometimes you know that a gal is going to run at you and expect you to catch her. If your arms are going high then you are not going to catch her. You are going to drop her.

Ryan Gosling- always showing up spaghetti-armed wussies

• If you drop her then she will drop you. Like a hot potato. And not only will your friends think you have spaghetti arms, but you will have to know that a girl broke up with you because you let her bum get bruised. Jerk.

Most people do not have repulsor rays or jetboots as back up.  So do not drop them.

• If they want to squeeze for a while, they’ll hug hard and latch on. If they’re in a hurry, they’ll squeeze and let go. Keep it simple. If you feel them releasing, then release.

Voila! That is how one hugs. I expect to see global improvement implemented immediately. And of course, practice often. J